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December 4, 2007

Thanks for the opportunity, New York!

So let me get this straight...the Yankees imposed a deadline for the Twins to trade ace Johan Santana. How does THAT work exactly?

Let me repeat...the Yankees set a deadline for the Twins to trade THEM their star pitcher.

Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, shouldn't the Twins be the ones setting the deadlines for people to up the ante for Santana's services? I don't know that I've ever witnessed such arrogance and frankly...I hope Minnesota slams the door on the Bombers because of it.

Now, that brings me to what I am typically here for...waxing poetically about one of my favorite topics. However, I am going to stray from that today and enlighten you all with something my good friend Andy Social wrote (you can check out his Myspace page HERE).


This week marks the 25th anniversary of the greatest album ever conceived or recorded, Michael Jackson's "Thriller." That's right, just like me, Thriller also came out in 1982. And by "came out" I mean I was squeezed into a doctor's hands from between my mother's labia and not that I professed to friends and family that I was gay. That has yet to happen (projected date: October, 2011).

Anyway, it seems destined that epic masterpiece, Michael Jackson's "Thriller," and I would share a special bond and in celebration of our collective 25th year, I have done some research and compiled this labor of love:

Compiled by Andrew "FoodStamp" Davis, P.Y.T. Ph.D.

- According to Guinness, Thriller has worldwide sales exceeding 104 million. That makes it, by far, the best-selling album of all time and has topped the sales of Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" and Chris Burke's (Corky from "Life Goes On") "Singer with the Band" COMBINED!

- In 2007, the NARM and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ranked Thriller third on their "Definitive 200" list, a compilation of what they believed to be the greatest albums ever. The first and second ranked were The Beatles "Sgt. Pepper's Lonley Hearts Club Band" and Pink Floyd's "The Wall." This is widely regarded as total bullshit, because nobody has ever even heard of those two jagoff bands and, frankly, they sound made-up.

- Michael Jackson's Thriller contains the track "Baby Be Mine," which is scientifically proven to get the ladies totally wet.

- In the United States alone, Thriller has gone platinum 27 times (selling more than 27 million idividual copies.) In Canada, Thriller has sold only 2 million copies. This proves the already widely-accepted theory that Canada is "13 and a half times lamer" than the United States.

- The Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney collaboration, "The Girl is Mine," was not a pre-written piece of music but rather an actual recorded conversation between the two former friends, who had taken to arguing only in song.

- Thriller won 7 Grammy Awards, 8 American Music Awards, and 3 MTV Music Video Awards. It is rumored that, due to their abundance, Jackson hands out the award statues to trick or treaters during Halloween.

- The song "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" was originally titled "P.Y.T. (Punchin' Your Tummy)" and was about Jackson's distaste for his many pregnant girlfriends. The original chorus lyrics were as follows:

"I want to punch you


In the tummy

You need some kickin'


Down the fucking stairs

And I'll take you there"

The song's title and lyrics were later changed at the urging of Thriller producer, Quincy Jones. Jackson then penned the song "Billie Jean" to further explore the pregnancy issue.

- In early 1984, a rumor surfaced that the first 7 digits of the UPC code for Thriller were Michael Jackson's phone number. This, however, was an obvious hoax as Michale Jackson has no need for telephones because he communicates telepathically.

- The original name for the "Thriller" single was "Give Me Starlight", while the album was originally to be called Starlight. Both titles were changed to "Thriller" when Michael Jackson expressed that the original titles were "too faggy" and would never "get him all up in some cunt".

- Queen singer(and then good friend of Jackson's), Freddy Mercury, recorded a few songs with Jackson during the Thriller sessions, those being "State of Shock", "There Must Be More to Life Than This" and "Victory". None of these tracks have ever been officially released. Jackson's official comment on the shelving of these tracks was that he didn't want Mercury "queering up [his] image".

- The dancing hoard of zombies in the "Thriller" music video were not dancers in make-up, but rather an actual army of undead corpses that Jackson summoned from the grave with his moonwalk powers. Upon wrapping of production for the video, Jackson personally beat the skull of each and every zombie in with one of his Grammy's.

- Contrary to the song's adamant protests, Billie Jean indeed was Jackson's lover. However, Jackson's refusal of paternity tests still leave the verdict out on whether or not the kid is his son. The aforementioned kid, (Ronnie Jackson-Seigle, pictured below) currently lives in Iowa and works as an accountant.
A photo of Ronnie Jackson-Seigle in 1993 at age 11. Paternity has yet to be proven.

Ballhype: hype it up!


E said...

An album so great, I bought it twice. In fact, I know a guy who actually own it on a factory-made CD, actually bought post-'85. His friends down at the NAMBLA Lodge love it.

Rusty R Shackleford said...

So what are the Sox offering exactly for Santana? I hear they are close to obtaining him. If that happens, why even play the season? Just have Detroit face Boston in a best of seven. These could be two of the best teams ever!