April 24, 2009

The power of the 'stache

With 396 home runs under his belt, Oakland’s Jason Giambi sits four home runs away from 400 for his career. Sure, it doesn’t carry with it the same mystique that Gary Sheffield’s recent accomplishment does, but still…it’s impressive.

Not as impressive is the fact that the “Giambino” has yet to go deep this season.

And before you ask…yes, the drought that he is in right now is the longest time he’s gone homerless to start a season. The same couldn’t be said of his mid-season tear last season.

Going into last year’s All-Star Game, Giambi was vying for a spot on the American League roster and turned to an unlikely (some say logical) resource.

He grew a mustache.

Dr. Aaron Perlut of the American Mustache Institute followed Giambi’s exploits and even served as a correspondent for ESPN.


The following was submitted by the good doctor.

Up until just a few days ago, outfielder Rick Ankiel of the St. Louis Cardinals had been struggling at the plate early in this 2009 season, mustering just a .179 batting average.

But then something changed.

Something was different. Ankiel, the normally clean-shaven comeback kid, showed up to the ballpark with a thick, rich, luxurious chevron-style mustache.

Indeed, as demonstrated last year by Jason Giambi, the mustache is any major leaguer's ultimate performance enhancer. You may recall that "The Big G" (as he took to calling himself last year) batted 100 points higher with his mouth brow, than he did without it. And while Giambi's jump in cookie dusting-fueled hitting was extraordinarily high, the American Mustache Institute has conducted extensive studies of athletes' performance before and after growing lip curtains.

In baseball specifically, AMI cutting-edge research division led by Dr. Daniel T. Callahan has found mustaches increase a player's batting average by 39 percent. Ankiel, however, is far exceeding that average, as his flavor-saving protective mouth shade has raised his batting average .71 points to .250 as of April 24, and we can only assume there is more to come as long as he does not remove his new furry friend.

It's ironic that a player like Ankiel has chosen to use a labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater") to improve his batting average, as he plays in the home of the world's largest mustache…the Gateway Arch.

But irony is a fickle beast.

Regardless, the Mustached American community applauds him and the Cardinals organization for its support of our people and we hope this is the beginning of a trend for the team.


Sadly, and this is a little known but true fact, Albert Pujols petitioned and was denied by Major League Baseball to shave his goatee into a true flavor saving mustache. MLB argued that as Pujols is already hitting .339 this season, adding a performance enhancing mustache would give him too much of an advantage and possibly endanger opposing National League pitchers.

It is important to note for fans and economists alike that the upside of Ankiel's mustache doesn't just stop with performance. It never does. No, AMI research has shown that the Cardinals can now expect a 17.8 percent increase in female fans at Busch Stadium, important in these tough economic times, and all of the team's male fans should be thankful for Ankiel's unselfish, good looking gesture.

For the sake of Ankiel's performance, the Cardinals early season success both on the field and now with lady Cardinals fans, and for humankind altogether, we hope Ankiel keeps his mustache throughout the season. That's because according to the Dead Sea Scrolls, quite sadly, every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.
Be sure to take AMI's new poll on the impact of a mustache on how a man is perceived HERE.

Carry on.

Read more from Dr. Aaron Perlut over at the American Mustache Institute website.

BallHype: hype it up!

1 comment:

Eric B. said...

...and the guys can make extra money in the off season by offering mustache rides ar well.

Good stuff.