The St. Louis Cardinals are currently looking for a man to fill their 25th roster spot.
Some baseball abilities are required, including pinch-running, sliding headfirst, getting your uniform dirty and pandering the local fan base with boilerplate cliches such as "these are the best fans in baseball" and "this is where everyone wants to play". Failure to comply with the aforementioned requirements may lead to immediate termination.
Applicants must be willing to get spot-starts on Sundays after the Cardinals have won the first two of a series and/or pitch a mop-up inning during games where the opposing team is winning by more than 10-runs.
What...no mention of the applicant being "scrappy"? The ghost of David Eckstein does not approve.
***Tip o' the cap to @JoeSportsFan for the Craigslist link.***