Umpire Fails to Win Coveted Mustache Award

This past weekend, Major League umpire Jim Joyce came close to erasing the 2010 Armando Galarraga near-perfect game incident from the public's collective consciousness.

Instead, Pittsburgh-native Adam Paul Causgrove brought home the American Mustache Institute's 2012 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year with close to two-thirds of the record 1.3 million votes.

But, back to Joyce and his glorious walrus-like mustache.

The longtime big league ump was hoping to become the third mustached American with baseball ties to take home the coveted award. In 2009, former Arizona Diamondbacks reliever Clay Zavada won the award. Last year, Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford won the Goulet.

Other finalists this year included retired Los Angeles County Sherriff’s Dept. officer and minister Tony Miano (10 percent), U.S. Senate Sergeant at Arms Terry Gainer (5 percent), Nick Offerman from NBC's "Parks and Recreation", St. Louis Rams Head Coach Jeff Fisher and Indiana gubernatorial candidate John Gregg.

Better luck next year, blue.
　

Keith Hernandez Has Done the Unthinkable

Earlier this month, New York Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez made waves when he announced that he was planning on losing his signature lip sweater.

As you can imagine, word of the potential massacre was not well received among the mustached community.

"Keith Hernandez removing his lower nose foliage is a crime against nature akin to the Washington Monument ceasing to be phallic or Todd Akin being sane," American Mustache Institute Executive Director Dr. Aaron Perlut said.

Well, it happened.

And, yes, by "it"...I'm referring to Hernandez making good on his threat.  On Thursday, dude was publicly shaved in front of Citi Field to the delight of those on hand and in the name of charity.

"I want to thank all of my fans who supported my mustache over the years," Hernandez told the crowd of hundreds, "but it's time for it to take a back seat and let my upper lip some time to shine."

And while it might all be fun and games for the former National League MVP, his 2007 title of "Greatest Sports Mustache of All-Time" now hangs in the balance.

“His title will either be given to runner-up Rollie Fingers, an athlete and role model who has never turned his back on the Mustache American community, or we Keith’s actions may necessitate revisiting the voting effort altogether,” according to AMI chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut. “We are deeply disappointed in Hernandez and feel we have to take this action.”

However all this shakes out, here's hoping the Miami Marlins step in and offer the shorn 'stache a one day contract.

Keith Hernandez to be Stripped of Mustache Title?

Earlier this week, it was revealed that 1979 National League MVP (and current New York Mets broadcaster) Keith Hernandez was planning on shaving his mustache.

Well, suffice it to say, the American Mustache Institute was none too pleased.

"Keith Hernandez removing his lower nose foliage is a crime against nature akin to the Washington Monument ceasing to be phallic or Todd Akin being sane," said Executive Director Dr. Aaron Perlut on Tuesday.

Now, the AMI is considering stripping Hernandez of his 2007 title of "Greatest Sports Mustache of All-Time" if he goes forward with his plan to strip his face of its lower nose garden.

“His title will either be given to runner-up Rollie Fingers, an athlete and role model who has never turned his back on the Mustache American community, or Keith’s actions may necessitate revisiting the voting effort altogether,” Dr. Perlut said. “Regardless, we are deeply disappointed in Hernandez and feel we have to take this action.”

Your move, Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez Planning to, Gasp, Shave

Oh.  My .  God.

According to The New York Times, Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez is, well, about to do the unthinkable.

The Hernandez mustache might have a month of life left in it.

He announced the possibility of shaving it last week on a Mets broadcast. But Hernandez, 58, said Monday that he might simply show up for the Mets’ final game of the season, on Oct. 3, with nothing but bare skin between his nose and upper lip.

I'm not sure what the thought process behind all this is, but the former first basemen claims it has something to do with his iconic mustache turning gray.

"I’m not totally happy with the gray," he said. "It’s something I have to get used to. I have more people, on the female side, who tell me they prefer it gray."

In 2007, Hernadez's lip sweater was named the "Top Sports Mustache of All-Time" by the American Mustache Institute.  And as one would imagine, the AMI is not pleased with the 1979 National League MVP's decision to shave.

"Keith Hernandez removing his lower nose foliage is a crime against nature akin to the Washington Monument ceasing to be phallic or Todd Akin being sane," Executive Director Dr. Aaron Perlut said Tuesday.

Now, if you'll excuse me...I need to go off to a corner and cry.

Dr. Aaron Perlut on HOVG Heroes

DR. AARON PERLUT on HOVG HEROES

If you're even a casual viewer of ESPN's SportsCenter, you unquestionably hear the word "remarkable" needlessly thrown around far too often.

Whether it's a remarkable pitch, a remarkable jump shot, a remarkable pass, or even a remarkable C-section scar on that exotic dancer.

Indeed, remarkable just may be the most overused word or phrase used in the sports vernacular outside of "eight children by nine different wives".

But here's what is, in fact, remarkable: The decades-long reverence that the baseball-loving fans maintain for our heroes of the diamond--specially those who are willing to accept a sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle.

Just consider the Lord and Savior of The Hall of  Very Good, one Ross Grimsley and his overpowering 124 lifetime victories and 5.25 ERA. 

Or what of the late catcher Bo Diaz and his dominating .255 batting average?

Or perhaps Pete LaCock the 20th overall pick of the 1970 draft by the Chicago Cubs who went on to slug .257 over nine not-so-forgettable years?

These were men of purpose, men of vigor, men of talent, and of course -- all were truly remarkable men of mustache who paved the way for rugged good looks during an era of baseball that is too often forgotten amongst faux claims of “remarkable”.

My friends, these were, and are, the true Heroes -- HOVG Heroes -- who deserve your reverence and respect as you consider who, and who is not, remarkable in the annals of baseball history.

You're welcome.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Aaron Perlut is the chairman of The American Mustache Institute and the world's foremost expert on the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle 

John Axford Makes His Music Video Debut

You're going to have to try really hard to get me to watch a video online longer than five minutes.  Even harder if it's a music video.

Sure, I try to mix in a viewing of "November Rain" (it clocks in at 9:08) every couple of weeks, but that's because I always thought that video had it all.

And then I saw "Mo'jor League" by The Reason.

This thing has everything I want in an eight-minute music video...mustaches, baseball, a dude in a monkey suit and Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford.  Now, I'm not sure what exactly the story line is in "Mo'jor League", but, shit...it's been twenty years, and I'm still not sure how Stephanie Seymour dies in "November Rain".

But I do know this.

If you put John Axford in a video (any video, really), I will watch it and, probably, post it.  Oh, and when Slash leaves your wedding to play a guitar solo outside the church...something awesome is about to go down.

You just can't trust him with your lady's wedding ring.

John Axford Supports Mustache Legislation

Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford is known for a few things.

He's tall, ruggedly handsome and despite hailing from Canada (he's currently sixth among his countrymen in career saves), he brought home the 2011 American Mustache Institute's prestigious Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award.

Oh, and like the rest of us working stiffs, the mustachioed hurler pays the U.S. Government a healthy sum in taxes.

That's why Axford is speaking out in support of the Stache Act, proposed legislation from the American Mustache Institute and a noted tax policy professor which would provide an annual $250 tax refund to people of facial hair.

The closer is asking taxpayers to demonstrate their support by ‘staching their photo at StacheAct.com, as for each participant, H&R Block will make a donation to Millions From One.

Watch the video.

5 Days of Christmas: Aaron Perlut

You're going to be reading a ton of Christmas-related posts during this, the week leading up to the anniversary of the birth of the baby Jesus...and this site is no different.

All this week, The Hall is presenting the "Five Days of Christmas". That's right, five days straight of one of The Hall's most popular features...the "Friday 5".

Hooray!

With only a few days left to get that baseball (and mustache) lover in your life a present...why not get them a Nike Hair-itage shirt?

But which one?  Thankfully, Dr. Aaron Perlut from the American Mustache Institute broke down your five best options...and they're all priced under 20 bucks.

Andre Dawson

Randy Johnson

Eddie Murray

Willie Stargell

Reggie Jackson

So, yeah, I know what you're asking yourself..."self, why did Dr. Perlut omit reigning Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year John Axford from the list?"

According to Perlut..."Axford was too far above the rest so we just let the secondary Mustached American tees fend for themselves."

Makes sense to me.

For more great gift ideas for that mustache lover (or Mustached American) in your life...why not check out the AMI's 2011 Mustached American Holiday Gift Guide Video?

John Axford to Lose Signature 'Stache

Our friends with the American Mustache Institute constantly remind us all that, according to the Dead Sea Scrolls, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth every time a mustache is shaved.

I'm not really a "chicken or egg" kind of guy, but I have to think that if the asterisk came before the Hebrew Bible, the Scrolls would have included the following:

Each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. *-except in the case of Movember

Now, I run you through all that to get you to this.

Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford is shaving off his signature mustache.

But, as I alluded to earlier (kinda)...it's all for a good cause.

Read!

Last day for the fu-man! Going to Movember Canada in Toronto to get it shaved to start new! Just so everyone knows...you're supposed to shave ALL facial hair to start Movember. I just couldn't because of prior engagements! Movember Canada was on board with the prior engagement...that's why I got to keep it! Now I'm going to shave it to keep with the rules!

Say what?

Yes, the same mustache that has been immortalized on t-shirts!  

And, yes, this is also the same lip sweater that helped the AxMan earn the title of "2011 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year".

But don't sweat it, kids, the American Mustache Institute isn't.

"Mr. Axford's undertaking is for charitable purposes, and we trust that the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year will fulfill his duties and continue to represent our community as he has throughout the past year," AMI chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut said.

Whew.

Looking to help?  You can make a donation to Axford's MoSpace page and help support the AXFACEKILLAS by clicking HERE!

UPDATE:  Courtesy of @MoBroJesse...below is Axford sans the fu manchu.

Happy Halloween...John Axford Style!

Let's face it...people like their favorite athletes.

A lot.

If it isn't carving your pumpkin to honor Texas Rangers skipper Ron Washington...it's dressing your kid up as him.

And really...who hasn't gotten theie whole family together to sing the praises of the San Francisco Giants?

Which brings me to this.

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher John Axford is beloved by plenty.  This past weekend, the closer was even awarded the Mustached American of the Year Award with a record setting number of votes.

So why am I surprised by the number of people trying to emulate the guy?

I'm just not sure.

By here are some pictures of people who did it well.

Not so well.

Creepy.

Adorable.

Gorman Thomas.

And, of course...dog.

Oh...and there's always room for the obligatory pumpkin carving.

Happy Halloween!

Canadian John Axford Wins Mustached American Award

Milwaukee Brewers pitcher John Axford accomplished plenty in the past month.

First, with 46 saves, the closer set a franchise record and topped the National League in the category.

Next, he led the Milwaukee Brewers to the National League Championship Series for the first time in 29 years.

This past Friday...he was named the 2011 Mustached American of the Year by the American Mustache Institute.

And, yeah, we endorsed him.  Kinda.

“We are honored to give this award to the Ax man,” said AMI Chairman Aaron Perlut. “Even though he is Canadian, we believe John represents everything else the Mustached American community values: humor, intelligence and good looks. He is also very tall.”

Axford, who sports a menacing Fu Manchu-style mustache, won the award with more than half of all the nearly 1,000,000 votes cast online. 

Second place went to Bob Kevioan of the nationally syndicated Bob & Tom Radio show.

“I’ve been growing this bad boy out for four or five months but I realized now that it’s not even about growing a mustache out, it’s about representing the community well,” said a humble Axford. “It’s unbelievable. To say that a Canadian if finally winning and Robert Goulet was born of French Canadian parents, it helps it become more of a North American award.”

Can someone please go update this dude's Wikipedia page to reflect this honor?

Mr. Holland's Mustache

St. Louis Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak has been called a lot of things: bright, shrewd, sharp, a hilarious jokester, and a swell square dancer.

Possibly we should add "ignorant" to that list.

Allow friend of The Hall (and chairman of the American Mustache Institute) Dr. Aaron Perlut explain.

About a year ago, I wrote that I had asked Mozeliak whether he was concerned about the lack of mustaches on the Cardinals and the impact that it's having on overall team performance.

He calmly looked at me, seated to the side of the room wearing a large afro wig, tuxedo t-shirt, and plastic red shoes...and then looked back to the rest of the audience and simply said "No."

He moved on as if it was a non-factor, a joke.

Enter Derek Holland, and his lower nose accoutrement.

In Game Four of the 2011 World Series, the Texas Rangers' Mustached American southpaw threw two-hit ball for 8 1/3 innings to beat the St. Louis Cardinals 4-0 and even things at two-all.

Holland and his luxurious lip sweater struck out seven, walked two and never was in trouble...coming within two outs of pitching the first complete-game shutout in the World Series since Jose Beckett's gem for Florida to clinch the 2003 title at Yankee Stadium.

FOX Sports analyst Tim McCarver noted during the network's coverage, "The mustache is very important."

Opposing player David Freese of the Cardinals said of the Hollandstache, "I love it. It adds some character. It might even add a little bit to that sinker."

Ironically, I received multiple text messages during the game asking me what I thought of Mr. Holland's Mustache, suggesting it was a "bad" mustache. I simply reminded them that there is no such thing as a bad mustache...just bad people who do not own, nor operate, mustaches.

Mozeliak, a scarf-wearing bare-faced mortal, fails to recognize the impact the Mustache Factor has had on his ballclub, as well as on Major League Baseball altogether.

Consider this:

FACT: Jason Giambi's career was near dead in 2007, until he grew his mouth umbrella and nearly made the all-star team.

FACT: In 2009, the Cardinals grew team mustaches and finished in first place with 91 victories and made the playoffs. In 2010, minus any team mustaches with the exception of stalwart Jason LaRue, the team won 86 games and did not qualify for postseason play.

FACT: In 2009, a densely mustached Brendan Ryan was playing all-star caliber baseball. In 2010, minus the lip cabana, his fall was embarrassing and precipitous.

FACT: In 2009, Rick Ankiel was hitting .70 higher with nasal foliage. The moment he shaved it, his batting average dropped voluminously and then he was hurt crashing into the outfield wall whereas a mouth brow would have cushioned the blow.

FACT: Prior to the 2010 season, Minnesota Twins pitcher Carl Pavano's career was virtually dead. With a furrowed upper lip, he won 17 games, which he shaved in 2011 and floundered once again.

Science, good looks nor historical data simply doesn't lie, and John Mozeliak would be well-served to become a greater student of history, as well as purchasing an afro wig, tuxedo shirt, and plastic red shoes, and to consider the Mustache Factor this offseason as he's rebuilding his club.

John Axford to Attend Annual 'Stache Bash

This just in from our friends at The American Mustache Institute.

With final preparations underway for ‘Stache Bash 2011 in Chicago, presented by Miller Lite, Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford has announced that he will attend the charitable event on Friday, Oct. 28 in Chicago, hoping to win the “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year” award.

“My mustache and I are rather confident that we’ll prevail as the Goulet award winner, and I owe it to the Mustached American community to attend ‘Stache Bash in hopes of winning,” said the ruggedly rugged Axford, who will lead his own Movember team.

“I have my handsome mouth escarpment on a special diet of nuts, berries, and Canadian sausages in preparation for this epic event.”

‘Stache Bash, where the Goulet will be named, will kick off the Movember, the global moustache-growing charity campaign raising awareness and funds for cancers affecting men. In the U.S., Movember funds benefit the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LIVESTRONG, the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

The Goulet award is not a best mustache contest but recognizes the person who best-represents or contributes to the Mustached American community over the past year. And clearly, despite being a Communist Canadian, Axford has distinguished himself in 2011.

“It would be a tremendous honor to become the first Canadian to win an American award named after another Canadian that represents the Mustached American people in the most North American manner,” added Axford.

During the 2010 baseball season, Axford burst onto the scene, mustache firmly entrenched upon his upper lip, and became an instant celebrity amongst Brewers fans and Mustached Americans alike.

In 2011, he cemented his reputation as the most mustache-driven professional athlete in major sports today, co-leading the National League in saves with 46, helping lead his team to their first division title since 1982, and had a 1.29 ERA in the playoffs.

John Axford Mustache Facts: 2011 NLDS Edition

After finishing up the regular season with a team record 46 saves, John Axford is looking to close out the Arizona Diamondbacks and move his Milwaukee Brewers one step closer to the World Series.

Throughout the season, sometime contributor Lou Olsen from Reviewing the Brew has unearthed some unknown "Mustache Facts" about the record setting closer's cookie duster.

Here are some more that you might not have known:

John Axford’s Mustache is always wearing his power suit.

John Axford’s Mustache takes his afternoon tea in the east wing.

John Axford’s Mustache recently had a baby, Derek Holland’s mustache (see here).

John Axford’s Mustache is known to many in Central America as, “Los pelos dorados de la cara de los Dioses”, (rough translation: Golden face hairs of the gods)

John Axford’s Mustache thinks that Adam West was the best Batman.

John Axford’s Mustache does not smell fear, he tastes it.

For more John Axford Mustache Facts...set aside an afternoon, hit up Reviewing the Brew and click around. 

And, if you're looking for another way to celebrate the lower nose garment of Mr. Axford, why not nominate the Brewers closer for the “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award.

John Axford's Ax Mustache Spray

Sure it is purely by coincidence (or is it!), but given the nomination process for the American Mustache Institute's annual “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" is currently underway...the timing of this video couldn't be any better.

Here's the skinny.

John Axford has an awesome mustache...and the boys over at 12 Angry Mascots have taken noticed.

Now watch! 

Oh, and when you're done...go nominate the Milwaukee Brewers closer for the “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" award.

The Greatest Brewers Mustaches of All-Time: Pete Vuckovich

For the last couple of weeks, our brothers-in-arms over at Reviewing the Brew have been breaking down the Five Greatest Brewers Mustaches of All-Time.

Number two on the list, Pete Vuckovich, was "by far the most hotly debated pick of this list". 

Now, when you break down the greatest Brewers of all-time, "Vuke" might not be that high on the list when you factor in his longevity with the ball club.  That said, he did bring home a Cy Young Award and, thanks to his abundant lip sweater, warm many a lass on a cold Milwaukee night.

As the feature's resident "Stache Specialist"...here was my take:

I think Pete Vuckovich gets ranked so high here (personally, I'd have gone with Vuckovich's former teammate Gorman Thomas) because of his involvement in the 1989 movie "Major League". What?!? You say you didn't know that "Vuke" played the iconic (yet ficticious) Yankees first baseman and Steve Balboni lookalike Clu Haywood?

Then you might want to leave this quick pop quiz to your much smarter, more intelligent (and probably better looking) friends.   

Who said this...Vuke or Clu? "Show me someone that doesn't mind losing, and I'll show you a loser."

Lastly...who was known to sometimes wear "two different brands of spikes, one Puma and one Adidas"?

The answer is all "Vuke", idiot. Clu Haywood isn't real...Pete Vuckovich was your 1982 American League Cy Young Award winner. And played Clu. Wait...what?!? MIND CONFUSION!

You can read the rest of the discussion over at Reviewing the Brew. 

The Greatest Brewers Mustaches of All-Time!

Sometime contributor Lou Olsen (of Reviewing the Brew fame) sent me an email the other day asking me to serve as his "Stache Specialist".

Naturally, I was flattered.

But clearly...I needed more information.

As it turns out, Olsen and his ragtag team of misfits are breaking down the five best mustaches in Milwaukee Brewers history.

Number five, naturally, the team's mascot...Bernie Brewer.

My take was simple:

The beautiful thing about Bernie Brewer's mustache is not the glorious yellow lip sweater itself...but the seemingly drunken smile that it hangs above. And yes, I'm calling the Colonel DeBeers lookalike a drunk. Think about it, without alcohol entering the equation, there's no other explanation behind a full grown adult in lederhosen, hurling his body down a waterless waterslide to celebrate a home run.

But I digress.

If you ask me (and I was), Bernie Brewer's mustache is one of the three finest mascot mustaches in baseball history...right up there with Mr. Redlegs and Mario. You remember Mario Super Sluggers, right? Yeah, I didn't either...I had to look it up.

You can read the rest of the discussion over at Reviewing the Brew.  But, before you go...watch this old school Brewers video!

Talking Mustaches with John Axford

John Axford's mustache has been getting a lot of press lately...and, honestly, there is little doubt as to why.

It. Is. Awesome.

Continuing the American Mustache Institute’s award-winning interview series, AMI chairman (and great friend of The Hall) Dr. Aaron Perlut recently spoke with the guy Axford's lower nose garden is attached to...Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford.

You can find Axford on both Facebook and on Twitter when he isn't busy tearing through National League hitters.  Dude is also expected to be a top contender for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year in 2011.

Here is that aforementioned interview.

It Looks Like Nike Has Given Up

A while back, I received what might have been the greatest t-shirt ever designed.
The Nike Cooperstown Hair-itage Rollie Fingers Player Tee.

What a concept, right? Nike took advantage of everything all red-blooded American men enjoy...'70s baseball legends, mustaches and, for you art nerds, negative space.

All the greats were there and available for purchase: Fingers, Mike Schmidt, Goose Gossage, Reggie Jackson...the list goes on.

But now, I think the gang at Nike is mixing in current players (I blame Brian Wilson's beard) and is, frankly, giving up.

Exhibit A...Andre Ethier.

Exhibit B...Joe Mauer.

The list continues, troops...and you can check out the roster of Nike Hair-itage collection HERE.

Who is your favorite of the bunch? Which shirt misses the mark? Let us know!