St. Louis Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak has been called a lot of
things: bright, shrewd, sharp, a hilarious jokester, and a swell square
dancer.
Possibly we should add "ignorant" to that list.
Allow friend of The Hall (and chairman of the American Mustache Institute) Dr. Aaron Perlut explain.
About a year ago,
I wrote that I had asked Mozeliak
whether he was concerned about the lack of mustaches on the Cardinals and the
impact that it's having on overall team performance.
He calmly looked at
me, seated to the side of the room wearing a large afro wig, tuxedo t-shirt, and
plastic red shoes...and then looked back to the rest of the audience and simply
said "No."
He moved on as if it was a non-factor, a joke.
Enter
Derek Holland, and his lower nose accoutrement.
In Game Four of the
2011 World Series, the Texas Rangers' Mustached American southpaw threw two-hit
ball for 8 1/3 innings to beat the St. Louis Cardinals 4-0 and even things at
two-all.
Holland and his luxurious lip sweater struck out seven, walked two and
never was in trouble...coming within two outs of pitching the first
complete-game shutout in the World Series since Jose Beckett's gem for Florida to clinch the 2003 title at Yankee Stadium.
FOX Sports
analyst Tim McCarver noted during the network's coverage, "The mustache is very
important."
Opposing player David Freese of the Cardinals said of the
Hollandstache, "I love it. It adds some character. It might even add a little
bit to that sinker."
Ironically, I received multiple text messages during
the game asking me what I thought of Mr. Holland's Mustache, suggesting it was a
"bad" mustache. I simply reminded them that there is no such thing as a bad
mustache...just bad people who do not own, nor operate,
mustaches.
Mozeliak, a scarf-wearing bare-faced mortal, fails to
recognize the impact the
Mustache Factor has had on his ballclub, as
well as on Major League Baseball altogether.
Consider
this:
FACT: Jason Giambi's career was near dead in 2007,
until he grew his mouth umbrella and nearly made the all-star
team.
FACT: In 2009, the Cardinals grew team mustaches
and finished in first place with 91 victories and made the playoffs. In 2010,
minus any team mustaches with the exception of stalwart Jason LaRue, the team
won 86 games and did not qualify for postseason
play.
FACT: In 2009, a densely mustached Brendan Ryan
was playing all-star caliber baseball. In 2010, minus the lip cabana,
his fall was embarrassing and
precipitous.
FACT: In 2009, Rick Ankiel was hitting
.70 higher with nasal foliage. The moment he shaved it, his batting average
dropped voluminously and then he was hurt crashing into the outfield wall
whereas a mouth brow would have cushioned the
blow.
FACT: Prior to the 2010 season, Minnesota Twins
pitcher Carl Pavano's career was virtually dead. With a furrowed upper lip, he
won 17 games, which he shaved in 2011 and floundered once again.
Science,
good looks nor historical data simply doesn't lie, and John Mozeliak would be
well-served to become a greater student of history, as well as purchasing an
afro wig, tuxedo shirt, and plastic red shoes, and to consider the
Mustache Factor this offseason as he's rebuilding his club.
